The Surgery (June 3, 2011)

We are now in a regular room.  I got on the table at 11:30am yesterday, about a half an hour late.  I don't remember anything.  I guess I was done at 10pm, however I spent a few hours in recovery where Ray and my dad couldn't see me.  I remember coming too from the drugs just to vomit.  I told them I was allergic to Morphine, but the nurse said they wanted to try Dilauded  since some people who can't tolerate Morphine do okay on Dilaudid.  I guess I am not one of them.  You don't know pain until someone cuts you in half at the abdomen and within hours you are heaving.  WOW. 

I did eventually get to my ICU room.  I again don't remember much except that I had to lay with my arms propped up on pillows to allow blood flow to my chest.  This helps prevent the tissue from dying.  Ray and my dad were able to stay a little while which we thought they wouldn't be able to do.  I don't really remember them being there at all. 

I woke up in the middle of what I guess was a hot flash last night.  I was sweating bullets and I couldn't move.  My shoulders were so amazingly sore and stiff it was the worst pain ever.  I could barely reach the call button, and when I finally did, I could barely speak because my mouth was so dry.  I finally got out that I needed someone to take the blankets off of me.  They rushed in with ice chips to help.  I was so grateful.  But as I lay there, I thought "What have I done?  I feel like I am going to die.  I am never going to feel better, I feel that bad."  I was all alone, and I was in a lot of pain and I thought this is so much worse than I was prepared for.

Ray come in this morning pretty early.  I was so glad to see him.  My dad came too.  They were asking me what I remembered, which was pretty much nothing.  They said that I was out of surgery for hours and they were getting panicked because they wouldn't let them back to see me.  It was nearly 3 hours after I was out of surgery and they feared something was wrong.  They kept calling and calling and calling only to hear that someone would come get them in 15 minutes.  Ray apparently was pacing as he and my dad tried to get back to see me.  My heart apparently was palpitating.  I had an extra beat occasionally.  I was also running a fever.  None of this is alarming to anyone but me, Ray and my dad.  The staff has seen this dozens of times.  I was transferred out of ICU this afternoon to a regular room. 


Ray has booked his hotel room for the rest of the weekend so that he can sleep there at night.  I wish I had him here, but I understand.  I just hate being alone here.  I feel so vulnerable.  If someone tried to hurt me, I could do nothing.  I sat up in bed today and tomorrow they are going to make me get up out of bed.