Four Years Ago Today....

I walked into my parent's house and my life changed forever.  Four years ago today, my mother lived her last moments. 

I was supposed to meet an old friend for coffee, but before I did that I wanted to drop off some groceries at my parents house.  My mom had been very sick for a couple months at this point and was unable to shop or do anything beyond necessities for survival.  She slept almost all day and wasn't eating.  My dad was by her side every minute.  My brother was coming to visit with his baby and I knew my mom would want food for them in the house.  When I walked in, however, I knew that this was the end. 

At first I left after unpacking the groceries to meet my friend.  I didn't want to admit that this was her last day with us.  But I knew in my heart that I needed to turn around.  I needed to be there with my mom.  I called my friend almost hysterical to tell her I wasn't going to make it for coffee. 

Four year ago today I spent that last day with my mother by her bedside.  I read her the newspaper and a People magazine.  I held her hand and tried to comfort her.  I assured her that my brother was on the way and she would get to see her granddaughters. 

I was so scared.  I knew this was the day, but I didn't want to accept it.  I knew these were the last words, the last touches, and the last opportunities we would have to be together.  But in my mind, I was fighting those certainties. 

I left before my mother actually passed away.  I told her I loved her and that I would be back at dawn the next day.  Sometimes I regret not being there, and other times I know that I couldn't have handled it.  But I also wonder if my mom was disappointed that I wasn't strong enough to stay. 

Four years ago today my life changed forever.  I lost my mother to Ovarian Cancer.